They are so unpredictable. And just when you think you've sussed it, they change the goal post. My old boss used to do that. I frequently wanted to punch him. But I haven't punched the kids, don't worry, it's not time to call the social workers just yet. It's amazing what you learn to tolerate from the miniature buggers.
There's a reason kids don't come with an instruction manual. It's because if you read it in the first 28 days of purchase you would take them back to the hospital and demand a refund. No-one would want to put themselves on this journey if they knew before what it consisted of.
In fact here is a sneaky peak of the manual I'm writing for all new parents, which I intend to hand out at all maternity units before they even get the babies home (give them more of a chance to make an informed decision I think)
The Manual:
COST:
They are so expensive aren't they! This should be on page 2 of the manual. I don't mean the nappies, the wipes and other consumables, Somehow with smart shopping the cost of those just gets absorbed. I mean the school shoes, the trips out, the ice creams, the impromptu Maccy D's... It all adds up. Those £10's you break into soon become 2p's.
SLEEP:
This becomes in as much short supply as what money does. However, you can't 'bank' sleep. You have a good night, it's a fluke. Have a bad night, you learn to survive,
Second bad night, you start doing random shit like running a bath of cold water or making a cup of tea with a teabag AND coffee in it.
By night 3, you're like a woman possessed with evil, you hate everyone and you have no tolerance, everything grates on your nerves. By day 4, you kill the pet hamster.
We need sleep to survive and function. Kids don't get this. They test us. I haven't dreamt in ages, probably because I haven't slept in a block long enough to enter dream sleep. I'd settle for a nightmare about clowns these days! Sleep is sleep.!
FILTH:
And no I don't mean that you dirty beggar, those days are gone but not forgotten. You try being cheeky when you've got poo on your hands.
No I mean, the manual should cover that you will NEED a bath or shower EVERY night. Not because you've been playing out, it's because your kids probably have, and then they will touch you. Sticky lolly hands anyone? Mud pie fingers making bodily contact? You'll get it all.
Never wear white again, it's not sensible. White will be unwhite quicker than you can say 'Persil'. Or to be fair to the other market leaders, 'Ariel' - altho to be honest I think those Proctor and Gamble people make all the soap powder in the world so who cares which brand I favour and declare. Pissing in the same pot. (Not me, I still use the toilet.)
P's AND Q's:
Oh good lord you will spend your life telling the midgets to use their manners. Not because they should use their manners, but because it makes you look like a cheap and failing parent if they don't.
You will also spend a lifetime trying not to swear in the car when some wanker cuts you up or steals your right of way, and on the occasion you let one of the naughty words slip, it'll be the occasion you are on your way to your parents house, which means that little word is all fresh in your little ones head, so when the grandparents open the door to welcome the little darlings they are greeted with 'hello grandma you're a wanker'. Takes a bit of explaining, sorry I meant lying to convince them they've heard that very naughty word in Aldi.
FORCE-FEEDING:
This bit wastes quite a lot of your life. Starts at around 6 months when you have to stop the milk diet and move them onto solids. Well chuff me with a baked bean, who would've thought that teaching a human to do something so natural would be so messy, so hard going and so pissy offy.
If you could pay someone to wean your kids then I'd say it was money well spent.
Weaning is a confusing, messy place to visit. Seriously, how can you expect a baby who has only ever known sucking a liquid to suddenly eat a bowl of pasta.
Practise the heimlich manoeuvre with all your might new parents, because these mini munchers are going to scare you more than once with a choking episode.
After this we move onto hiding vegetables, pretending McDonald's is closed at noon and refusal to eat even when the aeroplane does the feeding so it doesn't get much more fun. It's enough to put you off your tuna bake.
BIRTHDAYS & XMAS:
Aside from the obvious cost issue these celebrations can be so much fun because you get to be a child again too. However, at Xmas for example, you have to fake reindeer footsteps outside your house even when you're pissed from the wine that you were going to take round to your parents for Xmas dinner but needed right now. It's not easy either, because we don't have the luxury of snow at Xmas to imprint the foot marks into, we have to improvise with the mud covering our begonias and a twig we break off the neighbours bush.
In fact most of our parent lives are shrouded in such bollocks.
Birthday fairy, tooth fairy (think they're related, marriage only), Santa, goblins, witches at Halloween, naught boy monsters, the eye of Santa (sat in the house alarm sensor). The crap we have to fake to our kids is unbelievable.
We are so full of shit I think we even start to believe it ourselves because last year, I sprinkled an extra bit of reindeer glitter outside the front door and gave the sky a little wink, I tracked Santa online even when the kids were in bed asleep, just to make sure he was en route and I sat astounded by how many gifts he'd already given out by Japan.. Amazing chap that Santa.
This is only a snapshot of the manual. It's a long manual! In fact maybe it is better that it remains unwritten. Or we wouldn't populate. Yes we would copulate for shits and giggles but we wouldn't have kids.
It's best left as one of life's little mysteries.
What the heck, Scooby Doo thrive on mysteries and to be honest that about sums up my knowledge of parenting. I don't really have a scooby doo.
I'm just bluffing my way through the days, weeks and months and hoping I'm doing it right.
And so are you.
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